The stripping away of layers. Clarity and simplicity. Two things that seem absent in my everyday life. There is so much white noise. Is it being in a city? Is it having the job I have? Is it relationships and friendships taking away from time alone? I don’t know. I want to breathe deep, sweat, and cry, feel part of the essential human condition. I use to get these feelings only by being inspired by a place, but I’m finding I’ve learned to source it by running, swimming, and biking. Allowing the hard work to focus my thoughts and feelings, distilling them down from the complications and difficulties I ascribe them in everyday life.

I cannot tell if I am content or not in most moments. I am definitely comfortable and warm, but I am not sure that equals happiness for me. I can easily wrap myself in these feelings, sleep soundly and deeply, but it doesn’t quite fit yet, or maybe ever. The only thing I can figure out to do is to turn away and do something entirely different. Something that gives me an outsider’s perspective on my own life. I am not sure where this need to run away from my life originates from, but doing so always restores my wholeness. For the last few years, I’ve wanted to avoid that inclination and learn to live in a stable, constant f life by making small calibrations. But right now, I need to live bravely, face my fears and desires and strengths. The feeling has been bubbling over and building for a long time now, and I am working up the strength to embrace it. I see myself on the road again…