Friday, November 28, 2008

The stripping away of layers. Clarity and simplicity. Two things that seem absent in my everyday life. There is so much white noise. Is it being in a city? Is it having the job I have? Is it relationships and friendships taking away from time alone? I don’t know. I want to breathe deep, sweat, and cry, feel part of the essential human condition. I use to get these feelings only by being inspired by a place, but I’m finding I’ve learned to source it by running, swimming, and biking. Allowing the hard work to focus my thoughts and feelings, distilling them down from the complications and difficulties I ascribe them in everyday life.

I cannot tell if I am content or not in most moments. I am definitely comfortable and warm, but I am not sure that equals happiness for me. I can easily wrap myself in these feelings, sleep soundly and deeply, but it doesn’t quite fit yet, or maybe ever. The only thing I can figure out to do is to turn away and do something entirely different. Something that gives me an outsider’s perspective on my own life. I am not sure where this need to run away from my life originates from, but doing so always restores my wholeness. For the last few years, I’ve wanted to avoid that inclination and learn to live in a stable, constant f life by making small calibrations. But right now, I need to live bravely, face my fears and desires and strengths. The feeling has been bubbling over and building for a long time now, and I am working up the strength to embrace it. I see myself on the road again…

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Multitudes

I use to think my heart beat in rhythm to the crashing of ocean waves. It doesn’t, and maybe it never really did. I realized this in my twenty first year when I saw the big sky and big mountains of Montana. My heart changed forever that day; something I am still reconciling and figuring out. How a moment is so meaningful and how memory expands and contracts the moment for the rest of your life. It is part of my subconscious everyday. I didn’t apply to the University of Montana Law School, maybe I should have. But I am mostly too scared to revisit those feelings and find out they don’t add up. True love like that is terrifying, overwhelming, and mostly imagined. I am surprised that years later, I am still working out the feelings. How does something stick to you in that way? It really is a type of stickiness, my feelings.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Law school

Over a year must have passed since I first started this blog. For the last few months I even forgot I had it. But just now, I happened to come across it again and the irony of what I'm about to say is sweet. I AM ABOUT TO START AN LSAT CLASS THIS SATURDAY! In all likelihood, I will be applying to law school this fall. It's amazing what can change in a year...or even less time. Maybe I should change this blog to a law blog...nah...although I am always tickled by the Arrested Development joke about the Bob Loblaw Law Blog.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Gettin Back on the Wagon!

Where have I been these past months? I'm not sure, but I wish I had stories to tell. Places discovered, experiences remembered, people met. I guess I do somewhere, but not enough on the surface, and not in an inspiring way.

I have now reached 121,000 miles in green Volvo.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Long Ago and Faraway

Excerpt from my journal, one year and 3 weeks ago...


People who want to be philosophers or poets should come to Montana. The air, the water, the mountains, and the forests – at least one of these are bound to inspire reverence.

It is the water and the mountains that inspire me. Once I hit the Missions and Flathead Lake in the northwestern tip of the state, I immediately yearn to stop my car, grab a few things out of the back, and head out to see where the wind takes me.

After spending six months in Montana, I feel only the most superficial familiarity with all the landscape has to offer. After all, as a native easterner, I have no point of reference or comparison for such topography.

In order to get to Kintla Lake, we crossed the ice-cold rushing waters of the Flathead River. The water was waist deep and with a full pack and skis sticking up the back, we were glad we made it across. With each step our confidence drained as the power of the water and sheer coldness made it impossible to feel or think about anything. We hiked up an embankment of snow that was also waist deep. We only had to go about a quarter of a mile to get to the trail. The sheer difficulty of moving through snow that deep took us over two and a half hours. When we finally reached the trail to begin skiing the sun was heading west down below the mountains. We skied in four miles and set up camp.

It was a cold night, as one would expect from a Montana winter. For nights such as these, whiskey was invented. In our tent, with all the layers we owned on, a flask of whiskey was passed around, and shortly after, we felt warm and exhausted enough to sleep.

The next morning we woke up stiff from the cold. As we skied on, we saw three sets of fresh mountain lion tracks – our hosts had known we spent the night. Farther up, was a fresh white tail deer antler shed, the blood and smell still lingering on the end that dropped. The deer was not more than a few years old but it was well fed and the antlers had begun to branch, indicating that if this deer lived, he would grow into a large buck.

Upon return to the front country, it is Montana culture to go to the nearest town and go into the first bar. To uphold this ritual, we stopped in Polebridge, which does not constitute much of a town, although it technically has its own zip code. Polebridge consists of the Northern Lights Saloon and the Mercantile. Around these two main establishments sits a few cabins inhabited by the family that runs the town. In the summer, the saloon serves the finest pizza on Fridays often with impromptu live music from one of the regulars. However, this visit to the saloon consisted of the three of us and the bartender, Heather. Drinks were had we left to drive up the North Fork Road.

Some mention must be made of the North Fork Road in the sense that to anyone of northwest Montana, it remains the truest representation of the state. The closest town is anywhere from thirty minutes to an hour depending on how far up the road you are. Closer to town the road becomes paved but the “true” North Fork is still dirt and dust. There exists a magical moment every time the pavement ends and the car hits the dirt.



Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Sometimes A Great Notion

There is usually a moment most days where I think about Montana. It is a mix of missing someone you love and homesickness. When I think about Oregon now, it is mostly in relationship to Montana. Without ancient Lake Missoula, the Willamette Valley and the Columbia River Gorge would not exist. Most of the unique features in the Metro area are linked to geologic activity in Montana. If you look, you can find limestone and other rocks that were carried over and deposited by glaciers here.

I live in Oregon now and I haven’t yet learned how to love it. I know it will come at some point because I found myself missing Ohio once. I never thought I would even like Ohio, let alone miss it. But I’ve always liked openness and infinity and it was only a matter of time until I liked that about the Ohio landscape.

Oregon should be easy to love. I think that everyone around me seems to love it. It has oceans, ancient forest, rivers, and mountains; it is rain forest and high desert. It’s objectively perfect in every respect for someone with my necessities and interests. There are moments it challenges me to think about people and nature, use and misuse, natural and built, in ways that Montana never will.

I don’t want these things. I don’t have any desire to explore my relationship (with not to) nature in any way that is intellectual or academic. I think it should be entirely visceral, tactile, and emotional above all else. I don’t think this approach precludes thoughtfulness or scrutiny; it just gives them a back seat to joy and appreciation.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

(Wo)Man and Machine

Dear Green Volvo,

Today you reached 111,000 miles, most of which we have done together. When we're sitting together in traffic, like the the two old friends we are, do you ever think about all the places we've gone together? What are your favorites? I know you probably didn't like those dirt, pitted roads in Montana that much. There was awhile back in Ohio when you were really sick. The AAA mechanics were coming out at least once a week to see you and they all diagnosed you with different problems. No one knew what was wrong and your condition got worse. That was hard. But I always told you that you were the little green volvo that could.

Where do you think you would want to go next? I though maybe our next big trip could be up to British Columbia or Alaska. We always have a good time in wild coutry together. People will totally get a kick out of us because we're from NJ. How many times do you think people have commented on our license plates? By the way, I've always wondered what you would want written on them if you could choose something.

I can't wait until the day when there is three of us: you, me, and the dog. We will be such an inseparable trio. I think you will like having two companions who walk up towards you and like nothing better than contemplating their freedom.

Much love,

D. Wex